Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
