I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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