I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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