My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
3 2 1 whiskey
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
