sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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