the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You are the jesus of drinking
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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