Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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