i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
