while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
