I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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