I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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