That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
