Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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