what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
