I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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