he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
