I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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