If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
