Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
