he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
