The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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