You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
