apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
