onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
