I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
