I molested 6 butterflies tonight
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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