the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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