i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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