i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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