im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
