my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I don't deserve a penis
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
