She went from zero to smokin in five shots
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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