Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
