There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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