just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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