Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
