your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
