I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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