so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
