Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
