so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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