she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
