anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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