someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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