Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
