I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
