stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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