I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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