Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
