But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
