see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
