That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
