I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize