I CAN MOONWALK!
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
