you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
